Our Zen master has taught us when parenting teens, every word, every moment counts. Years ago, we dubbed our son the Zen master because of the lessons his being invokes in our lives. His maturation into his teens has heightened the lessons he gifts us with as clearly, all-too-soon, he will be leaving our home. A few nights ago our Zen master gave me a weighty reminder of the power of words and the preciousness of each moment. Almost sixteen; our athletic, bright and busy boy was fast-forwarding summer fun as the holidays quickly waned. Thankfully, my work has allowed me time to chauffeur, prepare meals, and be there when our boy comes home before the next adventure begins. Although I realize our son lives a completely unplanned, spontaneous summer holiday, at times I feel put-out by his lack of planning. One day after a surprise pick-up and delivery of our son and his friend, more changed plans and finally, much later, driving our son home for a late supper I heard myself making sharp, harsh comments. I apologized and explained my frustration with the lack of planning only to learn there was a new plan. Our son now wanted to now sleep over at his friends. Harsh Words Hurt I was reluctant to have him sleep overnight because he had basketball camp the next day and was exhausted, needed to pack a big lunch (which he wouldnt get at the neighbors) and had blistered feet that needed taping in the morning. With hindsight, I saw how much of my angst and resistance that night was more about yet another loss with my son. How many summers had I nursed him, fed him, cared for him, each night after those grueling, week long basketball camps? Now, he really didnt need me to do this any more. So although I gave him my reasoning and encouraged him to sleep at home I respected his decision and drove him back to his friends house (as it turned out the natural consequence of lack of sleep and hunger at camp the next day was not such fun). That night, when I called our son one last time at his friends (to give him the number of where I would be the next day) I heard his Now why is she calling? tone of voice and I again, took offense. Gees! I gave him the phone number and then with a very curt good-bye, hung-up. Letting Go Then, I sat and felt my grief. No doubt every mother of every teenage child feels this grief as her child moves onto the next step of autonomy. (Remember all those little letting-goes? I can walk to school alone now! No more holding hands, hugs and kisses in public, bed-time stories) With our teens these letting-goes are felt more deeply because we know all too soon our child whom we have poured our lives and heart into - will leave our home to make a home for themselves. So my remorse over my sharp comments and curt hang-up that night was magnified with yet another letting-go. I saw how truly fleeting and measured our time together is. Deeply, I saw how each encounter we have no matter how fleeting hugely counts. With each word, expression, eye contact (or lack thereof), tone of voice, intention, emotion I was either building bridges between myself and my son or pushing us apart. Harsh words create more distance and separation from our teens who are already working hard to separate from us and find their own identity. Why push them away with harsh words? There is no justification for unkind comments regardless of what he said or did. Often, if I pause a moment before flying into self-righteous indignation I will see how my own words or actions precipitated what came back to me. Clearly, if I send out sharp words I will receive defensive, attack in return. Precious Words, Precious Moments Our words and actions are either building bridges of love and connectedness or tearing ourselves and others down. Sharp and care-less words hurt not only our children and our relationship but they hurt us. When I am careless with my words and actions I later feel ashamed, remorseful and diminished. However, none of us are perfect. Over and over, moment by moment, person by person, we will have the chance start again and choose our words. Let us be gentle with ourselves as we work to be more loving - remembering this is the work of a lifetime. There are no insignificant moments, no casual unimportant contacts it all counts everywhere, with everyone. It is our lifework to build bridges, to build others and ourselves with every word, every action, in every moment. Let what we say and do be reflective of who we truly are! |
