There are many advantages to being married or in a relationship for a long period of time. Some might say, Only if its a good marriage or relationship! Those kinds of remarks usually come from people who float from one romantic liaison to another trying to satisfy themselves. Self-satisfaction is for children, adolescents, teenagers and those who refuse to grow up. Its a poor substitute for overall happiness and a sure sign of emotional immaturity. Its also something that will occasionally pop up and cause grief in every relationship. We live in a society that has become all about running away from stability toward change. Change, were constantly reminded, is good for the psyche. This has produced several generations of one parent or no parent children who are emotionally damaged, scared and have no faith in long-term relationships. Unable to fully experience or find love, many find obsession. Thats why record numbers of people are addicted to dating, sex, alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, entertainment and electronic games of all types. Obsession is the child of self-satisfaction. We get bored or feel that were not getting our share of happiness. This leads us to becoming obsessed with a person or activity and it happens to everyone. The only difference is how each person deals with it. The most common obsessions not associated with substance abuse are those involving people and entertainments. Someone who is ripe for an obsessive experience with another person will ignore, placate or completely give in to it. It usually starts with something as innocent as a smile, kind word or simple act of kindness directed towards them by a co-worker, friend, relative or complete stranger. This sets off a series of emotional reactions that can last for days, weeks, months or longer depending on their ability to get a handle on these reactions and strengthen their hold on reality. Never underestimate the power of a smile, kind word or simple act of kindness. If you are involved with someone who has acquired a romantic obsession with another person, you must fight back if you want to save your relationship. How successful youll be depends on your ability to bring your better half back to reality. Obsessed people may be able to function in the real world, but they live within a fantasy of their own creation. Anyone trying to dispute the validity of his or her fantasy world will come up against a brick wall. Its unlikely that they will respond in a positive manner to logical arguments, emotional pleas or verbal attacks on the object of their obsession. The best way to help your partner return to reality is by romancing and emotionally supporting them. This may not be easy. By the time most people are aware that a romantic partner is obsessed with someone else, their own relationship has deteriorated to a point where meaningful conversation or even successful communication is almost non-existent. The road back must be paved with passion, emotional support and a reestablishment of commitment. A romantic partnership cannot be just about convenience or stability; it has to have real passion to survive. All relationships begin with passion and its always a good place to return to when trials and troubles seem to be splitting you both apart. People that fall deeply in love never stop caring for each other. Its life circumstances that change around them and cause a rift. While some are able to deal with these kinds of changes, other people withdraw into themselves or seek a comfort zone that allows them to cope with everyday problems. That comfort zone can sometimes be a dating relationship or sexual liaison that doesnt include their romantic partner. Obsessions are an escape and most do not last. If your partner develops an affair out of their obsession it probably means that they still care about you and have no plans on leaving. But it also means they are simply unable or unwilling to commit exclusively to you without having the other person as a sort of emotional security blanket. If thats the case, youll have to be willing to place your anger and outrage on the back burner if you want your relationship with them to continue. Confrontation is for cheesy television therapist shows. Placing additional stress on an already unstable and volatile situation is not going to help. Bringing a straying partner back into the fold means restoring passion to your relationship, setting ground rules that cannot be ignored and providing an example of stability, confidence and commitment in your own life. While no one wants to admit it, we all create situations that sometimes make our romantic partners feel as though they are trapped or in some no-win situation. This happens when we place a career, hobby or outside interest above our partnership. Keeping any relationship strong is as much about making good choices and taking personal responsibility as it is about passion. Most obsessions involving people can be overcome with the help of a caring partner. Porn, gambling, entertainment, electronic game, drug and alcohol addictions are tougher nuts to crack. These things are providing your partner with a rush, thrill, emotional or physical response that they crave. Face it; you may be involved with someone who has an addiction problem. If thats the case, it cannot be tolerated and should be professionally treated. The person who spends most of your shared income on season tickets for baseball without asking has the same problem as a partner who spends it on alcohol, drugs, pay per view porn, adult websites, hookers or gambling. When it comes to electronic games, you may be able to accomplish an intervention without involving mental health specialists. Electronic game addiction has been largely ignored by the news media. Thats because there havent been many victims or crimes associated with this type of addition. But its also because some of the same corporations that own newsgathering and reporting companies, also own or are affiliated with those that design and build electronic game hardware and software. Despite their obvious desire to keep this problem under wraps, there are some very frightening examples of people who try and move the fantasyland created by their games into our real world. In April of 1999, two students executed a carefully planned attack using guns and explosives on their fellow students and teachers at Columbine High School in Colorado. With twenty-five dead and others seriously injured, people wanted answers. The initial media focus was on the troubled lifestyle of the two teens that planned the attack. There was a lot of talk about their connection to a group of students known as the Trench Coat Mafia. This turned out to be an erroneous lead and had nothing to do with the attack. However, after police searched the homes of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, they found video recordings of the two playing violent computer games. They may have practiced their shooting techniques using that software and fashioned their attack after the themes incorporated into the games. There will always be people who take entertainment too seriously or gain some sort of twisted inspiration from fictional themes. But unlike books and movies, electronic games have the ability to take players inside a fantasy world that they can help create. Friends can even join participants in this world through their own game platforms or personal computers. Anyone who has watched the evolution of electronic games over the past few years can easily see what designers are aiming for. They want to create subscription games that attract and hold the attention of players and encourage them to get friends to sign up and play as well. This opens up a whole new world of profit that includes premium extras and optional accessories designed to make the experience more functional and fun. Like cigarette makers, alcohol distillers and casino operators, the providers of electronic games argue that their product or service is only as addictive as people allow it to be. This is little comfort to the partners, friends and relatives of people who are addicted. They skip school and work, miss social occasions and retreat into a fantasy world created and supported by the game. Unless their romantic partner happens to share the same addiction, obsessed gamers are not going to be interested in maintaining or moving the relationship forward. Their game is a comfort zone and that makes it very difficult for a non-gaming partner to intervene. However, it can be done. Getting your partner off the game is the only way deal with this type of addiction. Youre going to have to do a delicate dance to accomplish this. Pointing out responsibilities or trying to force them off will not work. In fact, it may cause an angry or even violent reaction. Instead, watch for weak moments. These are times when the gamer is physically and emotionally exhausted from playing. Its at that point that you may be able to get them to join you for another activity that you both have enjoyed in the past. The key is to divert their interest from the game and keep them off of it for as long as possible. Enlist trusted non-gamer friends and coworkers to invite your partner to participate in activities they have shared and enjoyed before. The longer you keep them from the game, the less appealing it will become to them. There will always be people that drift from one addiction to another. Needless to say, these are not the best candidates for long-term relationships or commitments. However, if you are struggling with a partner who has a simple short-term obsession, you can bring them back into the fold with common sense, passion and support. Good relationships are hard to find. We all go through personal struggles that test our own ability to cope as well as the patience of our loved ones. No one should surrender his or her love life to the obsession of a partner without trying to save the relationship. |
